Back to reality

If this is a dream, could someone be kind enough to splash water on my face and wake me up? But clearly I'm still in the same realm, sadly I'm not dreaming. SOT indeed ended already, 7 months fly pass quicker than the airplane flight from KL to Singapore. To me is like a blink of the eye. Things that happened, moments tha I spent with my friends, tears that I quietly wiped away in the middle of the night are still as clear as though it happened just a second ago. I got to say, even though I looked forward to come back to KL, I miss SOT already.

So many things had happened for the past 7 months. Things that I never imagined will happen, things that distracted me from my original goals. I was super ambitious! I wanted to be the best preacher or maybe win the best attendance award, but I ended up winning nothing. I wanted to go missions in the forests, those places where you need to take a boat in and go tracking in the jungle, but I ended up going to Surabaya and had a great time staying in air-conditioned hotel. I totally went off track!

No matter how well I planned, God always have a bigger and better plan for me. Maybe at the moment I don't see it, but somehow in the end He will let me understand. 

In this period of time, I've given my first offering challenge, I lead my first praise and worship, I preached my first sermon, went on my first mission trip and experienced my first healing miracle. 

Honestly speaking, I always thought I can speak very well, preaching to my mind was a piece of cake! Men! Was I wrong! I was soooo nervous in my first offering message in CG I couldn't even understand myself! My preaching tests was like a roller coaster ride, my first sermon was good, but my second till the fourth was superbly bad, but by the grace of God, my last sermon was my best! And I thank God that when I was preaching in Surabaya, He gave me a word that is consistant with the church vision, to be a mission church! 

Out of everything, the one that I afraid the most is leading worship. I wasn't assigned to do it in mock CG, but I was assign to do it in my real CG. My CG leader, Johann gave us opportunities to serve in different area in CG meetings, which includes leading worship. To me leading worship is the toughest. You got to lead the people into the presence of God. I was super nervous I almost cried when we were practicing. But thank God it was OK in the end.

I really learn that when I stop trying too hard and be lead by Him, He never fails to show up.

I wish to say that my SOT went on smoothly and I have no struggle at all. But as we all know, Christianity is not a bed of roses, it ain't easy at all. Many times I wanted to give up and go back to Malaysia, many times the thought of going back to Malaysia brings tensions into my world, many times I cried quietly in the shower, many times I pretend I was sleeping but my heart was broken. But no matter what situation I am in, no matter how I responded to those trials and tribulations, God remain faithful and He never let me walk alone. He was always there when I cried out to Him, He was always there to wipe away my tears.

7 months was not totally a sweet journey, but I learned a lot. And I know I can't live without Abba. In everything that happened, I run back to Him. And that's one of the most important thing that I learned, as long as I hold on to Him, everything will be fine.

I know who I belong to

She's sleeping in a dark room with nothing else but a wooden chair and a grandfather clock. The only way into the room is to walk in through the room next door, there is only one small hole at the corner. But you got to be as small as a cat to crow in through that "window". It is the only source of light and ventilation.

"dong~ dong~ dong~ dong~ dong~" she opens up her eyes looking at the grandfather clock. "is been 2 hours" she thought to herself. Wondering how she missed the first hour's bell. Maybe she 's too tired, or maybe she is just sick of everything that is happening. "how long will they argue over it?" she wonders. 

"I've said she belong to me!" another shouting match going on in the room next door. 

She wonder why they are not tired shouting about her. Is been more than 4 hours since they started it. Massaging her own shoulder, she thought to herself, what will she do if she is given the freedom to decide. She don't really have the freedom since young, they've been arguing and deciding for her every single thing of her life, and she is getting sick of it. She thinks to herself, "for once, for once I would like to do it my way."

Sometimes waking up in the morning, she hate the person she sees in the mirror. "this is not who I want to be" she often mumble to herself. But she is well trained, very well trained to keep silent and just follow the flow. The truth is, she really has no choice, any small changes that she make will lead to another big fight. 

"crack~ crack~" twisting her neck left and right she stare at the clock again. "Who do I really belong to?" she ask herself. Come to think of it, all these while she could have avoided all these fights if she just make this one decision. The decision that she has been trying to avoid, who will she follow? If she would just make that decision who to follow and hold on to it strongly no matter what happen she would have avoided all these fights.

How many times, she wonders to herself. "How many times have I run away with tears crying for freedom?" Memories of her running to the streets, squading at the roadsides are playing like a movie in front of her eyes. "ah!!! Countless!" she said to herself. Somehow he'll find her everytime she run away. He always appears in his black long gown. He looks elegant, but the reality is he isn't as elegant as he appeares to be. He will bring her back with promises of freedom but everytime she will be ended up in bondage. And how many times that she regretted her decision and call for help in secret when she was kept in bondage? "infinite times..." she sighted.  She thought she could be free from both, how naive she is, there is no such thing as middle path, she got to choose.

Finally she realise, nothing can be as clear as it is right now. She look at the wooden door, the gateway to all those endless fight. She thinks to herself "the decision is indeed mine". She took up all her courage, stood up from the old wooden chair that she had been sitting on for hours, and she walk to the front of the wooden door. She took a deep breath, 'knock knock'! "Can I come in?" she says.

 "Yes you may." a deep voice came from behind the door.

She opens the door, with fear pounding in her heart. She standUs there, acting to be brave when she's not. She grab his white long robe and said "stop fighting, I've decided who to follow forever. I know who I belong to."

A man forgotten

Upon reading my old blog I was reminded of a friend. Not that I have totally forgotten about him, just that I don't remember about my friendship with him. He wasn't someone that I was interested in, he was a boy friend of my friend. And I got to know him through her. I forget his name already, Rick or Ricky? For the sake of this post, I will just call him Rick. 

As I mentioned, Rick was my friend's boy friend. I saw him once when I accompanied my friend to visit him. And since then we somehow became good friends. I was very happy that both of them are together, and I always supported him as my friend's boy friend. 

Then one night, he called my friend and broke up with her. Weird enough I was the one who cried and not my friend. Think of it now, I was being silly. Silly enough to cry for a guy who wasn't even my boy friend.Well, I think the reason I cried was because I felt betrayed, nothing hurts more when the person you trusted betrayed you. I think before the breakup he told me a lot of things about himself, and after the breakup he also told me a lot of "reasons" which until now I have no idea whether is real or not.

We lost contact after that incident, so I have no clue where is he right now.

Anyway, that year happened a lot of things that I've choose to forget. Reading that old blog really brings back memories. Might talk bout that next time.