I know who I belong to

She's sleeping in a dark room with nothing else but a wooden chair and a grandfather clock. The only way into the room is to walk in through the room next door, there is only one small hole at the corner. But you got to be as small as a cat to crow in through that "window". It is the only source of light and ventilation.

"dong~ dong~ dong~ dong~ dong~" she opens up her eyes looking at the grandfather clock. "is been 2 hours" she thought to herself. Wondering how she missed the first hour's bell. Maybe she 's too tired, or maybe she is just sick of everything that is happening. "how long will they argue over it?" she wonders. 

"I've said she belong to me!" another shouting match going on in the room next door. 

She wonder why they are not tired shouting about her. Is been more than 4 hours since they started it. Massaging her own shoulder, she thought to herself, what will she do if she is given the freedom to decide. She don't really have the freedom since young, they've been arguing and deciding for her every single thing of her life, and she is getting sick of it. She thinks to herself, "for once, for once I would like to do it my way."

Sometimes waking up in the morning, she hate the person she sees in the mirror. "this is not who I want to be" she often mumble to herself. But she is well trained, very well trained to keep silent and just follow the flow. The truth is, she really has no choice, any small changes that she make will lead to another big fight. 

"crack~ crack~" twisting her neck left and right she stare at the clock again. "Who do I really belong to?" she ask herself. Come to think of it, all these while she could have avoided all these fights if she just make this one decision. The decision that she has been trying to avoid, who will she follow? If she would just make that decision who to follow and hold on to it strongly no matter what happen she would have avoided all these fights.

How many times, she wonders to herself. "How many times have I run away with tears crying for freedom?" Memories of her running to the streets, squading at the roadsides are playing like a movie in front of her eyes. "ah!!! Countless!" she said to herself. Somehow he'll find her everytime she run away. He always appears in his black long gown. He looks elegant, but the reality is he isn't as elegant as he appeares to be. He will bring her back with promises of freedom but everytime she will be ended up in bondage. And how many times that she regretted her decision and call for help in secret when she was kept in bondage? "infinite times..." she sighted.  She thought she could be free from both, how naive she is, there is no such thing as middle path, she got to choose.

Finally she realise, nothing can be as clear as it is right now. She look at the wooden door, the gateway to all those endless fight. She thinks to herself "the decision is indeed mine". She took up all her courage, stood up from the old wooden chair that she had been sitting on for hours, and she walk to the front of the wooden door. She took a deep breath, 'knock knock'! "Can I come in?" she says.

 "Yes you may." a deep voice came from behind the door.

She opens the door, with fear pounding in her heart. She standUs there, acting to be brave when she's not. She grab his white long robe and said "stop fighting, I've decided who to follow forever. I know who I belong to."

A man forgotten

Upon reading my old blog I was reminded of a friend. Not that I have totally forgotten about him, just that I don't remember about my friendship with him. He wasn't someone that I was interested in, he was a boy friend of my friend. And I got to know him through her. I forget his name already, Rick or Ricky? For the sake of this post, I will just call him Rick. 

As I mentioned, Rick was my friend's boy friend. I saw him once when I accompanied my friend to visit him. And since then we somehow became good friends. I was very happy that both of them are together, and I always supported him as my friend's boy friend. 

Then one night, he called my friend and broke up with her. Weird enough I was the one who cried and not my friend. Think of it now, I was being silly. Silly enough to cry for a guy who wasn't even my boy friend.Well, I think the reason I cried was because I felt betrayed, nothing hurts more when the person you trusted betrayed you. I think before the breakup he told me a lot of things about himself, and after the breakup he also told me a lot of "reasons" which until now I have no idea whether is real or not.

We lost contact after that incident, so I have no clue where is he right now.

Anyway, that year happened a lot of things that I've choose to forget. Reading that old blog really brings back memories. Might talk bout that next time.

I'm committed to u~

In my previous post, I posted one of my old post. I've checked my ID, I have around 3-5 old blogs. A lot right? And all of them are now closed and are only available for myself.  

Come to think of it, I remember each and every reason that caused me to close my blog. Generally speaking, insecurity and inconsistantcy. I don't like to let others know to much about myself because I hate it when people talk behind my back. And somehow I had this illusion that I'm under some sort of spotlight. As if there are people watching and looking closely into my life.  I think is because when I was young in school, people watch and then talk.

In SOT I've learn that people will not shut their mouth. Words hurts, but is my job to guard my heart. And I should find my security and identity in my ABBA, not simply from anyone in my life. Honestly speaking, I thought I was doing very well until a few weeks back where I was hurt merely by a sentence from someone. It took me a few weeks to recover, and I think I haven't fully recover from it. But is ok, because I'm learning! 

Anyway (I notice I've been using this word since 4 years ago!!!), I was just wondering what will it be like if I have not change any of my blog links. Maybe I will become a famous blogger like fourfeetnine.  Maybe I will have more blogger friends.  Maybe my writing style will be different! Or maybe I've stopped blogging by now. 

For whatever that might happen, it did not happen. But then I want to commit myself to this blog and not change it ever again and see what will happen. Since "that incident" I have nothing to be afraid of!!!! 

P/s: 6 weeks left in SOT!!!!!!!!!!! OMG~~~~~~~~~~

An old tale

I don't remember why but I suddenly remembered one of a blog post I posted long long long ago. Since I've change my blog for several of time, I had a very very very hard time to recall in which blog I posted that particular post. I've searched for a few hours before I found it, the blog wasn't under my current blogger account but another one. Which I've totally forgotten the ID and password. But thank God for traces on the internet, I finally found it!!! And to avoid things like this to happen again, I've put it under my current ID.

Man! I really change a lot of blog for the past few years! I've started blogging around end of 2007 and beginning of 2008. That means I've been blogging for almost 4 years. 4 freaking long years! And after spending the whole afternoon reading my first blog, I realise I've change a lot since then in term of my writing and my thinking. It really brings back a lot of memories, all those past hurts and happiness. I've out grown from all those past journey I guess. 

Anyway, this is the post I was looking for:-

****

it was dark although at that moment is already morning. sitting alone in the room make everything around me seems scary. his words are still clear in my mind at the moment and that thrills me off.

i was alone, sitting on my bed. i dun even dare to look around as there is no one besides me. i try to cry out loud but nothing came out of my mouth. at that moment i was scared.

i tried to act normal, but i knew that my facial expression and the way i speak show it all. it was obvious to anyone that i was scared to death.

he try to talk to me, but i ignore it. i act as if i didn't heard anything from his mouth. but i did heard clearly what he tried to tell me. i do not want to listen any of it at the moment because the only thing in my mind is to run away as far as possible, as far as possible from him.

but as they always say, things will not always go as what we had plan. i struggle on my way out. the journey that should take me a sec took hours. at last when i step out of there i was glad. I'm very happy at that moment but yet fear still run in my heart.

i went down, way down. i call for help, ask for advice, ask for direction, ask for comfort. and there they were, ready to hear whatever i wanted to say. i was lucky that they haven't leave.

then i went back, to tidy up the mess. still acting like nothing happen. i were quick in doing all my stuff, then i ran away.

but sad, my nightmare did not just end like that. he came to my side. i was scared. fear run back to my mind and struck my heart. i had to act normal, as normal as possible. but i knew that moment, the harder i tried the more obvious it shows that i was scared of him.

i think he realized that I'm not as normal as usual, he ask me whether i am scared of him. i dint answer but i stood still, waiting for the right moment. then when the chance came, i ran away, far away from him. i did not looked back, as i do not had the guts to look back. i just continue to run.

when i lost sight of him, i was glad. tired but glad and relive.

****

Maybe some of you might be wondering who is this guy. But trust me, after you know the truth, you will be like "cheh~~~~~~~"  

So the truth is this, it was 4 years ago when I was still staying in Cyberjaya with my friends. One of my housemates (a girl by the way, just incase you are wondering) who was staying in the master room was the only one at home with me (I stayed in the middle room). Our room are next to each other. That morning I was wide awake and was looking at the ceiling being lazy and planning my journey back to my hometown. Then I heard her kicking and punching the wall in her room. I was sooooooo shocked and scared! I don't deal well with people that is angry. It scare the hell out of me!!! Then I quickly pack my stuff and run for my life! But sadly the bus played a joke on me and it did not came until my housemate come down. So we were sitting together for the whole bus and train journey. I was super duper scare but I "acted" normal. But I'm not a good actor, she look through me and said I was a bit weird. But thank God we took different route back, or else something bad might happen to me!

I have no idea how I think of this way to write how I felt. But is kind of fun, don't you think so??